First Product Launch: Why is this important to me?
The months that followed after losing my son in August of 2021 were dedicated to just trying to continue living. I am lucky to have a lot of friends and family in my life that lifted me through such a strange and painful time. I would say that people and art were the things that kept me the most grounded…well that and an amazing therapist (shout out to Annelise).
Almost immediately I turned to the repetitive methods of embroidery and made without worrying about the end result or meaning behind a piece. It wasn’t until 9 months after losing Tucker that I started to make a few things in memory of him. At this point I had received numerous gifts from a lot of different people in my life. I was given beautiful and meaningful necklaces, books that reminded me I wasn’t alone, stuffed animals with Tucker’s information or made to be his birth weight. The non-profit organization, Walk With Me, sent care packages and continues to send gifts and reminders of my son. My dad even made me a beautiful, handmade wooden box where I store many of these precious keepsakes. Each and every one of these gifts have meant so much to me and are beautiful reminders of my son.
As I began thinking about what I could personally make, I was drawn to the visual reminder of Tucker as a person. I mean that in the sense that when you lose your baby, it feels as if he or she almost becomes more of a mixture of feelings and thoughts rather than a tangible person who entered and exited your physical world. I sometimes struggle with trying to remember the physicality of becoming a mother. Remembering the 9 months I was pregnant always fills me with sharp pain because it reminds me of my innocence and hopeful expectations. The time we spent in the hospital where we were able to hold him and be with him are extremely painful and are often memories that I don’t like to confront every day. However, thanks to Walk With Me, volunteers came into the hospital while we were there with Tucker and took imprints of his hands and feet in clay. They also took a variety of prints of his hands and feet.
These for me are much easier to look at on a daily basis. They connect me to my son in a very visual and comforting way. Tucker was an actual human being. He is real and important and impactful. He was and is loved in a deep and significant way. Although there is a certain amount of pain and longing that comes when I think of Tucker, I am able to look at his handprints and footprints and not instantly be connected to the traumatic events that took place in the hospital. I am able to see how big he was, the wrinkles in his hands and feet. He had huge hands like Eric and long, monkey feet like me. I’m grateful to have this record of him as a physical person.
That is why when I started making something in his memory, the first thing I created was an embroidery of his footprint. What surprised me most was how nice it was to run my hands over the raised embroidery thread. I keep it out by his blanket where I can easily see it and touch it.
For months I wanted to create a product that people could buy in order to have a customized embroidery like I have. And I have finally done that! Although I made this in my son’s memory, I hope that I am able to make this for all babies, regardless of their birth story. I want to create for the babies who have battled for their lives in the NICU, those who have come into this world and left quickly, and those who have been born and grown up into beautiful children and people. Although I hope to eventually sell a variety of artwork on my website, it was important for me to have this product be the first one available. The first order I made was for a dear friend of mine who gave birth to a beautiful little girl who came very early and had to spend a lot of time in the NICU. I was able to embroider her sweet 2 inch feet and I loved every moment of it. It filled my heart to think of this tiny tiny baby beginning her life surrounded by a loving family and supportive doctors and nurses. That’s what I love about this.
Getting this ready to make for others has already been a really positive experience for me, so if you are interested in this product, feel free to take a look at the details in my website. But really, even if this product isn’t for you but maybe you have gone through something hard and need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out via email. Ultimately my main goal in sharing my artwork is to be able to connect with others and give support where I can.
Thanks for being here.
Tucker Colt Pantuso, Born August 31, 2021
