2 Has Felt Harder Than 1
Trigger Warning: Discussions and pictures related to infant loss
In August of 2022 a lot of family, friends, and strangers helped me celebrate and remember my son, Tucker, who passed away on August 31st, 2021. Many of you who read my posts or follow my social media accounts have probably heard me talk about him a lot. Sometimes I wonder if people get annoyed at my continued mention of him, but I also find that there is absolutely no reason for why I wouldn’t want to talk about him as well. I think about him all of the time.
Last year I thought a lot about the 1 year anniversary of his birth and passing and I felt motivated to do things out of my comfort zone. I trained for a triathlon, I put together an art exchange in his memory, and we had a party to celebrate him. I had a very positive and fulfilling time participating in those activities, and I am glad we did them. Once his birthday came and went, I felt hollowed out as I realized that life would continue to go on and that these goals had been met and were now in the past. But I found myself continuing on, helped along by new projects and opportunities.
Now I find myself approaching what would have been his second birthday and I find myself in different circumstances. Eric and I are in a completely new place and there have been so many positives, including finding a very supportive and loving community of friends. We have had fun new adventures that have been positive for both Eric and I (we even got a dog).
However, I have also dealt with a weight on my chest for the past two months. Although it could probably be attributed to a few different life changes, it has sapped me of much of my motivation and energy. I have only made artwork in relation to projects for other people. It has been hard for me to want to do anything extra other than the bare minimum. I am trying to be okay with that and not feel too guilty, but as Tucker’s birthday comes closer, I feel a deep sadness for another year without him. Thinking about doing anything as a celebration causes my heart to sink and I wish for things to have been different.
We were recently with some wonderful friends and we realized that their youngest was born the same year as Tucker. I was shocked. To see this little girl’s personality and her interests and how she interacted with people, I immediately wondered what Tucker would have been like. I continue to see Tucker when I see newborns and babies, but I now realize that I start to see and think of him when I interact with a toddler. He would have grown and we would have discovered his personality, we would have laughed at the things he did and said.
I was at a church camp recently as a leader and was listening to someone talk about a woman in history who had lost numerous children. Obviously I have had conversations and heard stories many times about infant loss and have been able to be okay. But for some reason it sparked that grief in my heart and I spent the next 30 minutes hidden in an empty shower stall sobbing as if I had just recently lost him. The despair and pain brought me right back to those first days in the hospital. It was brought on so quickly and intensely that I myself was shocked and could not compose myself. I ended up talking to another leader who had also experienced loss in different ways and I was able to put words to my feelings and it was exactly what I needed. I think I was reminded that day that these deep and important feelings can be unpredictable yet they demand space to be heard and felt. Some days I feel very positive and happy. I can talk about Tucker without crying. I can hold conversations about loss and go on about my day as normal. But there will be moments where I see something or hear a certain phrase in a conversation that brings to the surface those intense feelings of love and pain.
I am trying to remind myself during this August season that I cannot predict how I will feel in a few days or months or years. When we lost Tucker I thought the first year would be the hardest. There were definitely plenty of hard things about that year, but I have also been surprised at the emotional challenges I have faced in the second year. I thought every year I would want to come up with some big way to celebrate him, but I find myself at a loss for doing something outwardly big this year. I am not in the same place I was last year and although I tend to think of that as a negative thing, I am inclined to believe that it is just different, not good or bad. Maybe a quiet celebration and remembrance of him is what I personally need and maybe it will look different during the third year. I would bet that it does. I mean, I might even decide a week from now that I do actually want to do something. Who even knows?!
I guess for me it has been about learning to be more flexible and understanding that both the highs and lows come and that they may need different responses.
Regardless, I am thinking of family and loss and connection this month and have felt deeply touched by all who have shown me support, who have remembered Tucker, and who are compassionate to those around them. We all need connection and I am grateful that we have each other to lift and support one another.
